| LIFE! |
[Mar. 11th, 2009|04:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  ecstatic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Song of Hope- Robbie Seay Band | ] |
I am so HAPPY. Giddy, even. Why, you might ask? I feel empowered- I have actually accomplished things! I have actually DONE things for once, instead of sitting around and being depressed about not having the courage to DO them! I found this little card from last semester with information about a writing minor on it, and I actually read it, and it interested me, so I emailed my advisor (and CA 101 teacher) to see what she thought about it. She thought it sounded like a great idea, and asked to meet about it. So, I met with her today, and we talked about options...I may be taking summer classes to stay on track and not have to add on to what will already end up being 7 more years of school. Then, after talking about that, she suggested that I declare my major asap- right after our meeting, actually. Well, normally, I would've just put it off until another day, but I decided to go to the Seibert center and get them to sign off on it. In the process of that, I actually got to meet my new advisor and we had a talk about what exactly I was "getting myself into" with athletic training as a major. It's a huge time commitment and our hands-on experience starts pretty much asap, provided that after an application and interview we actually make it into the program. The time commitment involves working with teams- the ones here at school as well as high school ones, AND clinical stuff. If I make it into the program, there is a great possibility that I can start that kind of stuff this semester so that I can be assigned to a team next semester!!! HANDS-ON WORK AS AN UNDERGRAD! I didn't think I was going to get to do anything even remotely involved until I was in grad school! I think this is going to be a great community and a great opportunity to use my passion for fitnes and athletics!
So, God willing, I will be an athletic training major with a writing minor that will go on to get her doctorate in physical therapy. The future is becoming a little less obscure, and I am EXCITED! God is SO good!!! I'm also trying to take some steps to get a Students for Life (pro-life) group here on campus, with a little help from a friend of mine in a similar organization from Bama!
It has been a BEAUTIFUL day!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| This is what I've been missing. |
[Jan. 12th, 2009|10:44 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Kitchen. | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | You Belong With Me- Taylor Swift | ] |
<input ... > We all want to be loved thoroughly and unconditionally... "I love you, my child.
But until you discover that only in Me
is your satisfaction to be found,
you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship
that I have planned for you.
You will never be united with another as you desire to be
until you are united with Me, exclusive of anyone or anything else,
exclusive of any other desires and belongings.
I want you to stop planning and stop wishing,
and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan that exists -
one that you can't imagine.
I want you to have the very best.
Please allow Me to bring it to you.
Just keep your eyes on Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing that satisfaction knowing that I AM.
Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you.
You must be patient.
Don't be anxious.
Don't worry.
Don't look around at the things others have.
Don't look at the things you think you want.
Just keep looking to Me,
or you will miss what I want to give you.
And then, when you are ready,
I will surprise you with a love
more wonderful than you could ever dream.
You see, until you are ready,
and until the one I have for you is ready...
until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me
and the life I have prepared for you,
you won't be able to experience the love
that exemplifies your relationship with Me...
and this, my child, is perfect love."
(Anonymous)
This is it. This is why I get so frustrated with Fin sometimes, why I feel so inadequate in general. I'm not depending on God, and I need to learn how to do that. |
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| Fearless. |
[Jan. 5th, 2009|09:16 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Kitchen. | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Hey Stephen- Taylor Swift | ] |
I cried myself to sleep last night again. I have 18 more days before I have to go back to school, but just the thought of going back depresses me to no end. I've gotten used to being here. I've gotten used to being part of the family again, getting to see my old friends, being able to see Finley pretty much anytime he and I are both free. People accept me here- they know me here, and they're not a bunch of stuck-up trust fund babies who don't give me a second glance because sometimes I wear my pajamas to class and I have pink in my hair. I know that there has to be a reason that I am at that school. Private colleges like that don't just give away scholarship money, let alone a scholarship entailing tuition, room, board, books, and meal plans. I was meant to be there, I just don't know why. I haven't found anything that I'm passionate about there or a group of people I'm just dying to be friends with at school. Few things interest me, and that's another part of what's been keeping me up at night: something inside of me is dead [figuratively, of course]. I'm missing something-- something to live for, something to work for, something to believe in. I'm missing a cause. I'm missing out on my way to make a difference in the world. I'm not even sure how to go about finding it; I guess I always thought it would just hit me and I'd know by the passion I felt in my heart that this was what I was supposed to be doing. I'm not talking about my career or my major, because I'm pretty sure I know what both of those will be. I'm talking about something outside of that.
I'm also missing God. I haven't renounced my belief or my religion or anything like that, but my spiritual life keeps getting more dry by the day. I have to force myself to do my daily Bible reading, and half the time, I can't even pay attention to the words. It feels like I have ADD or something. My prayers are short-lived and random. I trail off halfway in the middle of them--again, like I have freakin' ADD or something--or if it's at night, I just fall asleep. I know it can't help that although Finley is technically a practicing Catholic, he's not exactly in touch with God either. I don't get the impression that it's a big deal to him, and though my continued spiritual nonchalance is NOT his fault, his attitude is not helping. I don't do well balancing a boyfriend and a spiritual life unless I don't like my boyfriend very much, and I like Finley quite a bit. I need a lot of care--more care than the people in my life can give, and it's unfair to rely on people like Finley to fill in a gaping hole like that because it's not his job. It's God's, and I've strayed so far that I don't know how to come back. I want to be able to rely on God, I want to trust Him without a second thought, I want to want to pray and talk to Him. Something inside of me is inexplicably stubborn and tries to convince me that I can do it later. But what if there's no later? This also bothers me. Just because I'm young doesn't mean this isn't important. I'm not invincible, and the last thing I want is eternal damnation because I decided that since I was just a teenager, I could afford to push bettering my spiritual life off until I got older. Because what if I don't get older? I do not want to die anytime soon. I feel like I haven't done anything remarkable with my life and I really do think there's a plan for it and I'm meant to do something. I don't want to die, and God willing, I will live to a ripe old age and have a lot of cats. But it's no reason to ignore my spiritual life right now, and I know that. That's why it bothers me. I used to be so good about it and I felt so close to God. I don't know what happened or how it got to this point. I just want to get back.
So, to anyone who's reading this, if there's even anyone reading it, your prayers would be much appreciated. Thanks. |
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| Don't ask me to think good intentions will change everything. |
[Dec. 27th, 2008|08:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Trouble- Pink | ] |
Sorry to whine, but I'm tired. I'm tired of him being inconsiderate and I'm tired of me being predictable. The latter is the real kicker though--why is it that regardless of the fact that I can specifically predict what I'm going to do before I do it, I STILL do it? I can't even be just a LITTLE inconsiderate, can't even act for an hour like I don't care. I wish I could. Is that a bad thing? I just want some reassurance that I'm not making myself look like a fool, that I'm not in this by myself. Being sarcastic and tough can be fun and it does have its moments...but do I have to do that all the time? And if I'm going to be irritated, could I just stay irritated for a while instead of forgetting the minute he DOES text or call or suggest we hang out? I know I'm not a pushover; I know I'm not this easily manipulated. I'm a big girl with a life of her own. I do not need a guy, let alone this one. So why must I have my phone with me at all times, check it obsessively, get irritated when he ignores me for half a day, and then let myself think we have plans this weekend when apparently we most certainly do not? Yeah. I need some kind of boy/phone rehab. I'm crossing my fingers that I can go to Louisianna, and then I'm going to just leave my phone in my suitcase for long periods of time and pretend like it "died." Or maybe not even try to explain.
Dammit. I'm finished being a sap. I don't care what I have to do, but I'm not doing this shit anymore. Care less, go out with friends more. First step is getting the hell away from my phone. |
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| All jacked up. |
[Dec. 23rd, 2008|06:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | 23- Jimmy Eat World | ] |
Oh, Finley.
This car thing is getting to be a real nuisance, and I'm sorry if I sound whiny for saying that, but it's the truth. You see, the thing is, every time we hang out, I have to go through the following:
1) Run the plan by my mom, which consists of:
a) Explaining in detail what we're doing [i.e. going to the movies at 7:10, then going to eat an hour & 1/2 later, then coming back here]
b) Answering the typical rapid-fire questions, like: "Is Finley coming here or are you meeting him somewhere?" "How is he getting home?" "Is his car EVER going to get fixed?" "Are you SURE it's broken?"
c) Defending you and your car situation for the 1236187236781236th time, which puts me on edge and gets her irritated.
2) Figure out how to get where we're going and what time I need to leave/be ready to leave so that I can meet you or be ready when you get here, and how long it'll take to pick up anyone else that I have to pick up.
3) Drive to said destination, which can be anywhere from 10-30 minutes away.
4) Figure out what time we need to leave so that I can not only make sure everyone else is on time for their curfews, but that I am also on time for mine...which rarely happens, and that stresses me out even MORE and my mom ends up calling me 12837123 times wondering where I am.
5) Drive 10-30 minutes BACK, plus however long it takes to drop everyone off, panic about being late for curfew, and drive myself home.
6) Go inside, only to have to defend you and your car situation to my mom YET AGAIN and answer more questions like, "why won't Finley's parents fix his car? You'd think they'd get tired of driving all the way out here and back all the time" and "Why can't he get someone else to take him places?"
Fun stuff, right? A tank of gas lasts me anywhere from half a week to a week now if I'm lucky. I have no job to pay for my gas, and I'm technically not supposed to be using the debit card intended for use while I'm at school during my stay here at home. I haven't been picked up for a date in a looooooong time [ever, if you are only counting the time we've been dating], and I'm tired of worrying about making my own curfew while everyone else gets to just waltz into their houses without a second thought after being dropped off. I'm sorry, but I can't fully believe that you will seriously NEVER get your car back just because your parents "won't help [you] fix it." I mean, really? There's gotta be more to that than you're telling me, and I'm pretty sure there is because if it was simply broken, you would've replied "yes" to my text of "Is your car still jacked up?" instead of saying "We should talk about that later...it's complicated." If I'm going to have to go to bat for you against my parents every single time we go out, I'd like to be able to make sure that I'm defending someone who's telling me the truth--the WHOLE truth, not just a little watered down version of it. I trust you, and I'd like to keep it that way so that when I am put in a situation like the weekly ones with my mom that question the situation, I can solidly say, "no, it really is broken. This is what's going on..." and explain it in a way that doesn't seem so goshdarned SKETCH. There are just so many holes in this situation! I don't mean to pick at everything, but solid relationships are built on trust and HONESTY, and I'm just trying to make sure ours is getting a rock solid foundation, ya know?
So humor me. I don't care how stupid or embarassing the explanation is. I need a little more than what you're giving me. Please? |
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| Facebook is just a breeding ground for suspicion. |
[Dec. 20th, 2008|03:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | With Every Little Kiss- Steven Curtis Chapman | ] |
Trust is such an important concept, and one that I have no problem wrapping my head around in some situations and such a problem with in others. For example, how I trust that other drivers are going to do what they're supposed to in traffic--something I really shouldn't do, because too often they don't--yet I have a problem trusting that my boyfriend, someone I care about deeply, does not, for example, drink behind my back and does not consequently get his friends to cover for him. I've never actually experienced any of the typical situations like cheating that would cause trust issues, so I don't actually understand why I worry so much. As far as I know, he's a fantastic guy and he really likes me. There is just this stupid little voice in the back of my head that is constantly questioning practically everything. The car situation, the drinking, the ex-girlfriend [cupcake mohawk girl that he failed to introduce me to when we were both standing RIGHT THERE], the constantly ringing phone, the reason he takes forever to reply to my texts or just never does... most of this is all stuff I can think of a perfectly reasonable explanation for, but I can also think of the flip side of it, too, if that makes sense. Mainly it seems to be a question of whether he's just plain oblivious that this stuff is sketch/irritating or he's actually much sneakier than one would think. And then also, I'm aware that he likes me, but he's a funny one when it comes to that. Again, trust--he's got a funny way of showing he cares, so I kind of just have to trust that it's there, even when it's not obvious. Difficult, especially in these early months.
I'm trying to just assume the best and hope that God's got a plan for it all, but it's hard and I think the devil is having a field day playing with my head. :/ |
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| Oh, oh, oh. |
[Dec. 4th, 2008|03:33 pm] |
Love.
Tricky thing, isn't it?
I do not even know. |
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| Just a number always counting down to a new start. |
[Nov. 25th, 2008|02:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
I don't own a Northface jacket.
I don't have a pair of Uggs.
I don't keep up with One Tree Hill or Grey's Anatomy.
I'm not blonde and I don't have big boobs.
My legs are not skinny- they're muscular.
I don't wear a size two, and babydoll tops don't slide over my hips.
I don't think being drunk is funny.
I've never played beer pong and I have no desire to.
When will that be okay? |
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| We should get jerseys. |
[Nov. 3rd, 2008|08:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Polaris- Jimmy Eat World | ] |
Dear Fin,
I think you are fantastic. :] There's not really another way to put it. It makes me laugh to think that I met you as a result of one of Katherine's whims and it turned out so well. The first time I met you, I'll admit, I was expecting things to be a little awkward, but surprisingly...it just wasn't. I liked the way you laughed so easily and the way you made me laugh. Not to mention, I'll admit that I thought you were pretty darn cute. The week that followed, I had my little bout with insomnia, but it was mainly just because I was so ridiculously happy I could hardly sleep. Cliche, I know, but it's true.
Then, seeing you again when I came back home...haha, I was convinced that if you liked me before, you weren't going to after the bowling incident. That was so incredibly embarassing- I bowled a grand total of what, like 25? Not to mention that my pants were too loose and I was worried they were going to fall down. AND I forgot socks, oh man. But it was fun. It was fun just sitting there on the couch with you watching House and being late for curfew because we "had to make sure that the baby lived." And of course, being asked out while already being late for my curfew and my really lame response of "okay." I'm just glad you didn't hear that; I think "yes" might've been a better answer, but you know. ;] The mix CD was such a sweet surprise.. and the fact that we had just seen Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist was ridiculous. The music was amazing and I was about beside myself when I realized that you put the Wedding Singer song on there...haha, Katherine didn't get it, but it didn't matter because I knew.
I guess it's the little things that get me, like the fact that you actually watched Bridget Jones' Diary and Say Anything, the mix CD, the way you can make me laugh even on a really bad day, the way you actually laugh at the dumb things I say, all the good morning texts I've woken up to, getting to spend Halloween with you and watching that really not-scary movie, and just being able to lay there next to you and exchange sarcastic comments, among other things. You are so fun to be around, it's ridiculous. And we like the same kind of music!
Suffice to say, I like you a lot and I'm a very lucky girl. :]
<3,
Me.
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| Do you know what you are getting yourself into? |
[Nov. 3rd, 2008|06:28 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Get Buck In Here- DJ Felli Fel | ] |
I was going to write something very nice in here, but I lost my train of thought. I'll have to wait until I get ridiculously giddy again.
Maybe later, yeah?
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